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I make a lot of people jump when I enter the room or try to get their attention. I am not sure what exactly I am doing wrong, but I would like to stop it so I am looking for suggestions. I have had a long running joke with my wife and other friends about it, but it is really quite silly and I'd prefer to figure out how to prevent it.

This is something I have noticed over the last few years, in my home, previous job, and current job. I would walk into a room, say 'hello', or 'alright' or some other conventional, friendly British way of announcing my presence, then somebody would shout, jump or scream.

This has happened to a broad range of people; my wife and live-in tenant regularly jump, even when I make an effort to stamp on the carpeted floors to announce my presence if they are not facing me. I work at big nuclear power plants, and have managed to make policemen, firemen, Japanese men, female apprentices, and my boss jump, so I think my behaviour is transcending gender and cultural boundaries.

Just today I went to a new office building, approached a man on the computer from the side, and said "Excuse me, can you tell me where [x] sits?" only for him to jump out of his chair and shout the word "Jesus", which left me feeling pretty awkward since it was an open plan office. He promptly apologised and said I gave him a fright.

I am not hideously ugly, so I do not think that is the problem. I can be softly spoken at times and have a "posh" accent so I have wondered if that has something to do with it.

Without seeing you "in action", it's really difficult for us to know what the issue could be. I was going to suggest that you might be very quiet, but you tried stepping loudly and still have the same results. I was also wondering if maybe your friends and coworkers now have make it "a thing", and that they now jump even if they do hear you coming as a joke. But you say it happened recently with someone you didn't know, so...

I think the most likely culprit is still that you're very quiet (not just in noise, but as a presence), and so people are surprised because they don't hear you or see you coming. I'm someone who is quite jumpy, so if I don't hear you coming and you touch me or speak up when you're close to me (and I didn't expect someone being that close), I'll jump. My live-in boyfriend is the one it happens the most with, but I don't think it's because he's doing something special, but because we live together.

So try again to make more noise when approaching people. Don't stomp, try more for a natural sound, like coughing and shuffling your feet. Making unnatural big sounds might not register to people's brain as "someone is approaching". Also, when you want to talk to someone, take first one step back. It could be you're someone who has a smaller personal space and so you encroach on other's more easily ? So when you step up to someone, try to keep a bit more distance when announcing yourself. And if possible, try to enter their field of vision before speaking, do not come from behind.

For example at work, if I have to talk to a colleague, I'll go the side of his desk, to make sure he at least has a sense of me in his peripheral vision. People are often focused on their work, so they'll be less startled if they sense a presence first I think. If they have headphones on, I'll wave my hand a bit until they turn to see me (again, I catch their peripheral vision, and I keep a bit of distance, don't put your hand right in front of their face). It's not an exact science, you'll have to play with it if you try them. But I see this is also the type of things my colleagues do (like stand at someone's desk before speaking).

But these are all shots in the dark, because without seeing you we can't be sure what you're doing that's unusual. The best thing to do is ask people close to you. Ask your wife, ask your friends, ask your coworkers. Also, look at the people around you. I think it would be easier at work : look at how people catch each other's attention, and see what you're doing differently. My guess is it's a mix of the above : you're quiet, you're too close when you speak up, and you're coming at an angle where they couldn't have seen you coming.

The basic thing you are doing wrong is talking to people before they have realized you are there.

How do you know when they know you are there? Simple: you watch to see when they look at you. You don't need to make noises, etc. Just position yourself so you are in the person's peripheral vision, and wait.

Human peripheral vision evolved to protect people against threats creeping up on them without their knowledge. It is very low quality in terms of showing detail, but it is very good at noticing when something changes at the edge of your range of vision. Even if somebody is apparently totally fixated on looking at a computer screen or whatever, within a few seconds their brain will get the message that something nearby in the environment has changed, and they will turn their head to get a better look at it and see what it is.

If someone doesn't seem to notice you within a few seconds, just move about slowly. Peripheral vision is good at detecting movement and recognizing it as something that needs to be investigated to see if it is a threat or not.

When as the other person has looked at you, THEN you can ask your question without frightening them - even if they immediately stop looking at you and go back to what they were doing before.

I've had this problem myself in the past.

The easiest and least obtrusive way to make someone aware of your presence is through vibration; if they're sitting at a desk, simply knocking a couple of times on the top of the desk as if it were a door works a charm. (This can be arbitrarily moderated if even this causes people to jump; one of my teammates habitually gets my attention by gently tapping his fingernails on my desk.) Make sure you're physically as far away from the person as you can get, perhaps leaning back very slightly as you do it; it would defeat the point if you were looming over them while you rapped on the desk. You need to give them enough space for their internal lizard-brain to not recognise you instantly as a threat.

As for at home, consider announcing your presence verbally some time before you enter the room: just start saying (loudly) whatever it is you were going to say, before you quite get to the room. In my experience, it's physical presence that scares people; talking before you arrive is quite literally announcing your presence, leading the interlocutor to expect you to appear.