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We are first time parents. Our daughter is 16 months old and we've had a really rough time since she was born. We had no idea what we were in for.

It really has just been a combination of difficult factors, I had a complicated birth, she was a colicy baby, we later discovered she had multiple allergies we didn't know about (We discovered at 11 months she had a dairy allergy, and 15 months she's allergic to wheat, peanuts and egg too), which caused constant discomfort for her and guilt for us for not knowing what was wrong, family being far away with little outside support, difficulty with our mental health, sleep deprivation, lack of her weight gain, repeated infections/antibiotics, hospital stays, etc.

The vast majority of the issues have been sorted out. We are in regular contact with our family doctor and paediatrician, dietitians, etc. We're getting mental health help and generally feeling better supported. We're finally starting to feel like we're not drowning and are getting enough sleep.

All that said, we really can't imagine having another child and doing all this again. We both wanted to have multiple children and this has just completely dashed our dreams of a big family. We really just can't face going through the past 16 months again. I see people with more than one kid and wonder how they do it.

I wonder if everyone goes through this and I'm just weak and bad at coping. I really want to have more children down the line and I'm just so worried that we won't be able to do this again. My husband really is adamant he doesn't want another child, and I am grieving the loss of our dreams for a big family.

How do we get over the bad experience we've had and have other children? How do other people do it?

I can remember cuddling our second kid so many times between 2 & 4 in the morning while pacing the kitchen getting him to settle when he was ill.

It's always tough, but kids are not the same... The first and third were "normal" (if there is such a thing as a normal kid... :)

You have the skills for so many other aspects : feeding, looking after, playing, changing nappies etc etc

It's not about the bad parts.

As they grew up we had to sort out sibling fights / arguments and that has now passed... It is all about remembering the best bits and there are / will be so many of those.

Best wishes with your decision.

How do other people do it?

We had a very difficult first child, too. He did 7 months of non-stop crying for pretty much all his waking hours and never slept for more than 2 hours. Things started getting better after those first seven months. So not too much later, my wife got pregnant again. You know: If your horse throws you, get right back on before you lose your nerve, that kind of mentality :-)

Then we saw the twins on the ultra-sound image.

Turns out the twins were actually easier than our first child. Not easy, but easier, even though there were two of them.

We never figured out why the first one was so difficult. Point is, just because the first one is hard, doesn't mean the next ones have to be. Also, by the time number two comes along, you know what lies in store for you, and it's much easier to deal with because your life doesn't change so radically any more, it's just more of the stuff you already know how to do, minus all the obsessive worrying about whether the baby will survive if you get something just a little bit wrong.

So how did we do it? We just didn't think about it and went ahead. As I sit here and type this, our fourth child is now in second grade. Everything gets easier with every year that passes. Don't dwell on the bad stuff. Be proud that you managed to pull through a tough time - if you managed to do that, you could easily do it again, but chances are you will not have to because no two kids are ever quite the same.

I should know. Remember, twins.

I wonder if everyone goes through this and I'm just weak and bad at coping.

No, your not weak, and you're not bad at coping. For most parents who have had a traumatic first child, what you're going through is normal. Your therapist and your pediatrician can confirm this.

There are no guarantees in life. Your second child may be just as difficult, but you'll have so much more experience and support in dealing with difficult infants (if that is the case), or your second baby can be a little angel.

I know of a young couple who had a seriously difficult first baby. First, she had intrauterine growth restriction, and the mom had to have weekly ultrasounds from about 20 weeks on. The baby was born, seemed healthy, and on the third day, had three apnea episodes, the third one in the Emergency Room when she completely stopped breathing and had to be coded. She was intubated and in the intensive neonatal care unit for 10 days. She had hyperbilirubinemia which needed to be treated for 5 days. They never found out why she stopped breathing (which is worse sychologically because what if it happens again?), so she was sent home on two different monitors simultaneously, one for 6 months, the second for a year. She was a fussy baby, to put it mildly. Every waking moment for many months, she had to be swaddled to mom (or in an infant carrier on mom.) Sleep was hard to come by.

If I had gone through that, I don't think I could face the possibility again. But accidents happen, and the wife got pregnant. She had a perfectly unremarkable second pregnancy, and the baby was the most laid back baby I have ever seen (and I've seen many.) The pregnancies and outcomes were polar opposites.

I used to do deliveries, so I saw similar situations play out (sometimes worse than what I described.) There was only one time the second pregnancy/babyhood was as bad or worse than the first.

My husband really is adamant he doesn't want another child, and I am grieving the loss of our dreams for a big family.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope with counseling, he'll change his mind. I understand the grieving you're doing, and you both need to be willing to take the leap. It is not likely that the second will be like the first, if for no other reason, babies are different and you have experience now.

How do other people do it?

They take a leap of... faith, I guess. Faith that they can do it. They love having the first child enough/want a larger family/want a sibling for the first/whatever to take a risk. Some don't, and only have that one child. But most do take the leap.

I wish you the best as you work through this.